Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Randomize
