we should wear snuggies to the strip club
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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