He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
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