I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
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