can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
His nipple licking is glorious
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