i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
My liver just had a heart attack.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Randomize
