there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
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