Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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