I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Randomize
