I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Randomize
