You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
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