It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Randomize
