God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
We don't watch enough power rangers
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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