The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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