i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
We need a shit load of segways right now
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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