Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
