nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
