My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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