She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
