craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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