so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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