Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
