so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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