also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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