btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
