dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
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