I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Last time I had a one night stand he ended up stalking me for two months.
So you're not picking up this weekend?
This weekend, I am Angela, visiting from Calgary. We'll have to roleplay this.
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