You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
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