420 ftw
How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Randomize
