I accidentally had phone sex last night
Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
