i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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