I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
