Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
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