if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Awesome. Ask her out.
Nope. She's got a detail of ed hardy security around her.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
Randomize
