my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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