how do flat chested girls get laid?
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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