i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
