Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
