This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Randomize
