Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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