So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
