my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
