So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
Everything about him screamed your future.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
