I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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