You kept calling me your small dog last night.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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