i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
I don't think he has that. His apartment was pretty much a tv and a bed. Topless girl calendar and a glass of water to put out cigarettes.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
