So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
