i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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