pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
time to smoke my breakfast
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
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