Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
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