I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
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