Already got asked if we're dating
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
