So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I supernannyed him into submission
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
