I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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