This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Bring me that man meat
Two words: blizzard sex
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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