you traded sex for a burrito?
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Randomize
