and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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