I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
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